Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Breaking (the) News (seeker)

The other day, there was a call for Ma from her elderly acquaintance Mrs. S.

Ma wasn’t around, so I took the call and spoke to this lady (who I meet @once in five years) after a fairly LONG time. So after exchanging the preliminary hello, how are yous, the next question was immediately *giggle giggle* "Do you have any news"
So I baldly said no and hung up.

Sometime later, my Ma returned the call and again this lady repeats the same question to get the same answer from Ma.
Then Mrs. S tells Ma "What do you mean there is no news. Tell her to MAKE news"

Ma, went promptly on the counter-offensive and started asking very pointed questions about HER son (in his mid-late thirties who is not married) and ended the conversation by kindly telling the lady that her son probably has some utterly ineligible girlfriend tucked away somewhere. (I LOVE my ma)

But seriously, "MAKE news?" WTF?

Wonder whether justifiable bumping-of effing nosy ladies would qualify as news in her lexicon.

I suppose after two and a half years of marriage, coy questions of 'news' are inevitable from random aunties. But one can get away with acquiring temporary deafness most of the times.

I am sure Ma gets attacked more than I do. I am notorious for turning into a short-fused virago and snubbing people quite ruthlessly if asked not-anybody’s-business kind of questions. So Ma usually doesn’t let them trickle down to me and to her credit, has forborne to ask, imply, hint or suggest anything to me.Ever. This also explains why my extended and normally inquisitive family has been so utterly circumspect about this.

Wonder HOW it of any possible concern of people WHAT happens is or does not happen in my life (or for that matter anyone else’s life).

That subtle and not so subtle once-over when you meet any married femme. Those elliptical innuendos. Questions about “Kuch hai” or the atrocious “Kuch gadbad hai” (Gadbad always brings to mind Jungle mein Mangal for some reason) or even worse, that absolutely preposterous, embarrassingly well-meaning advice on how to generate the said gadbad (A friend of mine was inflicted a spiel on positions for a ghar-ka-chirag.She told me she wanted to take a bath in Gangajal and/or kill herself after hearing such graphic descriptions)


P.S. Before the dear reader has any smart ideas about asking questions on presence or absence of news, you might pause a minute to consider the following. Such inquires will elicit the wrath of the powerful head of House-de-Cynics and MIGHT result in the dispensation of that, infallible curse. Viz “May you have news twice a year for the next fifteen years”


Satish Bhat said...

My dad once got into a discussion on the joys of grandparenting with his friend in front of me- while I was single ! talk of subtlety !

Mumbai Diva said...

really????? advice on positions. goodness.

no, but i love your mom. mine does the same. goes on complete offensive.

ignore the old aunties ...i tell ya.

shub said...

Oh God, forget subtle. Forget it being inevitable after 2.5 years. My aunt asked me 3 frikkin' months after the shaadi. In the most frikkin' obvious way. I was sorely tempted to tell her, yes, been that way for 6 months now. Bah.

Can you tell I'm STILL PISSED OFF?!
I'm beginning to compile a list of replies for my next trip to India.

Lazy Pineapple said...

Nosy AUnties are in abundance...I was asked this question by a woman I had just met at friend's kids 1st birthday party :). I told her the moment I have good news I will ring her up and let her know so that she can breathe normally.

Indians by nature are a nosy lot :)

Silvara said...

hahahha i blogged about this very thing just very very over nosy aunties asking this question..

LOL @ the advice about the positiions :P

sra said...

My friend's relatives told her the next time they saw her, they wanted to see her "with a changed shape".

"Make news" - I'm ROFL! What I really hate: "Are you trying?" Next time someone asks for good news, tell them you got a promotion!

narendra shenoy said...

Hahaha! Can totally relate to this. "They are doing planning or what?" used to be the popular question in my time.

Meira said...

I LOVE your mom.
And people who ask such questions should be asked similar nasty questions!
I've been married 5 months, and have heard the question more than a dozen times. gahbah

shilpa said...

Haha ..what works for me is to say seriously that I don't think I'm a children type..if that doesn't work then either the fact that I am always broke and/or work with Carcinogens and Reproductive toxins daily,puts them off it...for now!

Shachii said...

LOL!!! :) you crack me up!

Oh babes! but it doesn't end!! Even after having had two children, people ask me if there is any "more news"... so good luck!!!

Cynic in Wonderland said...

satish - i wonder HOW he would have reacted if you produced a grandchild while still single hehehe

Mumbai diva - yeah thank god for mas like that. imagine if t hey were to join the bandwagon. *shudders*

shub you should have i tell you. six months tale. that would have probabaly ledto a aneurysm tho.

lazy pineapple - the random aquaintances are the worst i say. i got introduced to a neighbour who promptly launched into the whole spiel once.

Silvara - it is comforting to know how many fellow sufferers i have in a way. i think everyone in this lifestage has to go thru it no?

Cynic in Wonderland said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cynic in Wonderland said...

sra - she should drop lots of weight and say - "there you go". yeah that trying is bloody annoying too. trying for what? and i have given random news. but they just look blankly at one and say NOT that THAT wala news.

Naren - planning eh? wonder whether the words are reflect the socioeconomic situation of the time. damned if i know how tho.

meira - wait for the appy anniversary. scariest is when peers start on you.

shilpa - im not children type eh? does that work?

shachii - how MANY do they want for gods sake? you should tell em you are planning ( or trying as the case may be) for a football team.

Nandini Vishwanath said...

God I get this too! And it sucks. Sometimes even hurts.

A just says: we are practising hard day and night to produce that perfect specimen :P

Soulmate said...

If this is not enough, there is this eternal question: When are you getting married!!!

Some people have only one business in life - To poke into others' business.. Losers such people are..

Iya said...

havent met a single married woman who has not been subjected to such questions. call it a coincidence i have written something similar today itself.
and yes if u find a way out let me know too please..

Anonymous said...

Story of my life :D ...

Cynic in Wonderland said...

nandini - WHAT do people say in response to your husband's practise? faces would be interesting no?

soulmate - ah yes, that too. i have godnose how many rants of that in the archives.

iya - thats an idea - a list of reasons why one cant do it now - we should compile it.

anon - you know its comforting to know there are so many people who are inflicted with this.

Arunima said...

:-) I am in the same situation. the mothers of both sides have stopped asking.

Anonymous said...

Super funny piece! Reminded me of a couple, 50-55 yr old types, with a matching attitude & outlook.

Hubby n I meet said couple at someone or other ka shaadi; cannot remember having EVER met them before. So, comes as quite a shock when 'the question' is popped, but not as shocking as their sales pitch for why we should get a move on. When we tell them that we don't have time for a baby at this time in our careers, pat comes the answer:: "Time nahin hai? Dus minute ki toh baat hai...".

I tell you, you haven't lived until a 55 yr old lady looks at you like you don't know how to 'do it', absolutely mortifying! Although not as mortifying as a how-to sex manual might have been... :P