Friday, May 15, 2009

Excuse Moi

All hired lackeys of the corporate world have at sometime or the other in their lives wanted to play hooky from office for no urgent, obvious or necessary reasons.

If you haven’t, then you are a conscientious, front bencher and are a disgrace to civilization and should go and chullu bhar paani mein doob maro. Or maybe you are one of those enterprising entrepreneurs’ types – in which case, would you by any chance want to give me a job? Preferably one with little work and lots of money.

Anyways this urgent urge to bunk and revel in nothingness typically strikes a person after a few months of diligent hard work. If you are like me, it probably strikes once every two days.

However the unfortunate reality of the today’s work place is that when you get struck down by this itch, the jailors (in their better moments known as bosses) do not say “Go forth child and revel in nothingness”. They considerably more likely to try and squeeze out the last drop of work out of you – even when you quit work and start employment elsewhere. (Happened. Fact!)

So with this backdrop, taking random days off – is an exercise in tact and restraint – often dissimulation (though I prefer to call it inventiveness) ranging from the inane to the bizarre.

In the quest of spreading knowledge through my continuing educational series (Part I and II) on things they don’t teach you at B-schools, here are the Cynic’s illustrative examples to bunk office when you absolutely don’t have to.

Illustrative example #1:
Let’s take the example of a female worker, A. A wants to take leave to go watch a movie. A has a male, single, long suffering boss – B.
A sidles up to B one day dons a pained expression and stutters out “Er..B?”
B: cranky from odd shift hours looks up “Yes?”
A: “B – I’m not coming in tomorrow”
B:”Huh? Sez who?”
A: (triumphantly produces the rabbit from the hat) “Have a gynaecologist’s appointment!”
B like all single red-blooded men, is scared shitless of doctors of the female species, gulps and runs for the hills (after sanctioning leave)

Illustrative example #2:
Let’s say there is a girl C in her early twenties. She is serving a notice period on her job and has a particularly nasty, sadistic boss – Mrs. B. Mrs B. Has had a baby so she works part time and hounds C the rest of the time.
One Friday afternoon Mrs. B has a pedicure and wants to leave early. She envisages a brilliant opportunity to get C into work on Sunday and informs C of the same.
C then blushes coyly and mutters “I am sorry Mrs. B – I can’t come to office on Sunday because I have to go out with my mother”
Mrs. B does some rapid mental calisthenics – young marriageable girl, mother and has eureka moment “MUST be boy viewing” she decides.
Proceeds to make inquiries “Is it a boy – tell me what does he do?”
C demurely looks down and knots the fringe of her dupatta and whispers “No, no ...Nothing like that” and proceeds look as bashful as is possible.
Mrs. B pounces on that “Of course it is – Look LOOK you are blushing”
And then magnanimously proceeds to allow her the day off and hounds C on Monday for details (non-existent of course)

Illustrative example #3:
Take any young worker – let’s call him D. D calls up and informs the boss B that he has an accident on his bike ( on the way to work – such a conscientious worker he is) and will therefore be unable to make the regular appearance at the workplace. B, who happens to have a conscience rushes off to visit D and see if there is any major damage. D hearing of this impending visit – decides to put a splint in his arm and proceeds to tie it up – and thus gets out of working for not one or two days – but many, many days.

Illustrative example # 4:
Let’s take the example of worker E. Worker E decides that he wants to get multiple days off but at intermittent intervals . Thinks deep and hard about what can possibly require urgent attention and presence every few weeks?
First occurrence “Have to go to bahargaon for property matters” ( Parul, bahargaon works with people like us too!)
Second occurrence “Complications happened in property – have to meet lawyer – only available date"
Third occurrence “Need to go to court”
Fourth occurrence “Affidavit”
And depending on how good you are, you can use this excuse for a guaranteed seven to eight times on an average.

To be continued: How the work-shirking cynic gets paid back in the same coin by the maid mafia.


R Krishnan said...

DXN is indeed a good business opportunity for you from the health and wellness space

Amey said...

Going completely off topic, can I offer you a career option based on this? You can be a "Personal Productivity Consultant".

Then again, that is a "consulting" job, so your requirement of "little work and lots of money". So I am not so off-topic, after all.

Drenched said...

Dear Wise Cynic,

Thank you for such a brilliant and informative post. I have certain questions. Firstly, will all these tips work 3-4 years from now once I start working? And will Illustrative Example #2 work if the girl is not particularly the coy, shy, blushing, dupatta-sporting, going-boy-hunting-with-mummy kinds? Also, what will happen if in Illustrative Example #1, the boss happens to be married?
Awaiting your enlightening reply at the earliest.

Best regards and all that,

Aquarius said...

so observant. How many of these excuses have u tried ? :)

Nikhil Narayanan said...

Going home every other weekend, and working from homeon Fridays/Mondays is not difficult to do,and better ,like you said better if you acknowledge that it is for girl-seeing.If someone had kept a count of my trips back home,the count would easily touch couple of dozens;thankfully no one counts.

Work from home was created to solve the I-don't-want-to-go-to-work-today problem.


Meira said...

Ha...been there, done that :D
My favorite after marriage is 'In laws visiting. My boss probably has nasty in laws ...he never disallows leave after that :D

Mukta said...

wow! just wandered in here and am terribly amused by ur style! informative post indeed :)

fungus said...

Thanks a lot! ;)

Epiphany said...

So you finally decided to go back to school and get a PhD huh? :)

In love with my life said...

And when you have kids...add
(a)Kid falling sick
(b)Kids caretaker falling sick
to the list.

I had someone from my team once give me this 'property' story. The next evening, while he was supposed to be a 1000 kms away wringing the neck of some tenant, our man was in the row right in front at the local theatre, wringing some other body parts of his girlfriend!!

If you make up a reason, the least he could have done is planned his sojourn better:-)

Cynic in Wonderland said...

r krishnan - er...thanks

amey offer me whatever you want - as long as there is lotsa money in it.

Dear cheeky drenched - who has fallen off the universe.

Coy dupatta weaving act is that only - an act. I did it. I blushed. Do i look like i am blushing coy types?

re. 1, should work. married men are also queasy.

aquarius - two heheh.

nikhil - eggzactly. use them well. heck if you have o suffer you might as well use it as an excuse. working from home doesnt solve the problem of i dont want to work no.

Meira - limited time span tho no? or does it work multiple times?

thank you mukta, fungus.

epiphany - no i am teaching no.

in love - ah that shall be filed for future reference. btw if you dont have kids can you say neighbours kids are sick?

AmitL said...

LOL..Cyn,that was ROFL-worthy.Where would we go without 'your continuing education series'(is that a phrase,or, is it continuing(The Cyn) education series..or,is it education for adults who forgot to enjoy life??:)
ROFL at the first one-a gynaec appointment is surely a class excuse for ladies..the boss'd probably do the work himself rather than have a grumpy Miss around:)

Looking forward to more...and,have you heard these,which I used to use when in Baroda:
- Ganesh Visarjan-the city police don't allow vehicles on the road so I can't come.
- Flood-knee deep water at the station area,so,my kinetic couldn't make it through.
- Curfew in city-the police were beating up all who dared to come out.

Nandini Vishwanath said...

I thought I commented on this post!!

Anyway- I just said that I've done all this and more :D

Arunima said...

my boss is a lady and the first thing that she told us was that since she is a woman, don't go to her making faces for stomach cramps, she is going to say, take a pill and sit.:-)

J. Alfred Prufrock said...

Thanks. I took notes, even.


Cynic in Wonderland said...

Amitl - we strive to please. I think i will write a book now.

nandini - tell details of more. also where are you?

arunima - i never tried that excuse either actually. with male or femme bosses. pity. should one day.

JAP - I shall give you a gold star for attentiveness then.

Meira said...

with my boss..always :D

Pinku said...

awesome post cynic!!!

Trauma Queen said...

so u get ur ideas from maid mafia eh ;)

Cynic in Wonderland said...

meira - my boss used to tell me that i should come to office to escape the in laws. sigh.

pinku - thanks!

trauma queen - hell no, the maid mafia far more original.