Excuse Moi

All hired lackeys of the corporate world have at sometime or the other in their lives wanted to play hooky from office for no urgent, obvious or necessary reasons.

If you haven’t, then you are a conscientious, front bencher and are a disgrace to civilization and should go and chullu bhar paani mein doob maro. Or maybe you are one of those enterprising entrepreneurs’ types – in which case, would you by any chance want to give me a job? Preferably one with little work and lots of money.

Anyways this urgent urge to bunk and revel in nothingness typically strikes a person after a few months of diligent hard work. If you are like me, it probably strikes once every two days.

However the unfortunate reality of the today’s work place is that when you get struck down by this itch, the jailors (in their better moments known as bosses) do not say “Go forth child and revel in nothingness”. They considerably more likely to try and squeeze out the last drop of work out of you – even when you quit work and start employment elsewhere. (Happened. Fact!)

So with this backdrop, taking random days off – is an exercise in tact and restraint – often dissimulation (though I prefer to call it inventiveness) ranging from the inane to the bizarre.

In the quest of spreading knowledge through my continuing educational series (Part I and II) on things they don’t teach you at B-schools, here are the Cynic’s illustrative examples to bunk office when you absolutely don’t have to.

Illustrative example #1:
Let’s take the example of a female worker, A. A wants to take leave to go watch a movie. A has a male, single, long suffering boss – B.
A sidles up to B one day dons a pained expression and stutters out “Er..B?”
B: cranky from odd shift hours looks up “Yes?”
A: “B – I’m not coming in tomorrow”
B:”Huh? Sez who?”
A: (triumphantly produces the rabbit from the hat) “Have a gynaecologist’s appointment!”
B like all single red-blooded men, is scared shitless of doctors of the female species, gulps and runs for the hills (after sanctioning leave)

Illustrative example #2:
Let’s say there is a girl C in her early twenties. She is serving a notice period on her job and has a particularly nasty, sadistic boss – Mrs. B. Mrs B. Has had a baby so she works part time and hounds C the rest of the time.
One Friday afternoon Mrs. B has a pedicure and wants to leave early. She envisages a brilliant opportunity to get C into work on Sunday and informs C of the same.
C then blushes coyly and mutters “I am sorry Mrs. B – I can’t come to office on Sunday because I have to go out with my mother”
Mrs. B does some rapid mental calisthenics – young marriageable girl, mother and has eureka moment “MUST be boy viewing” she decides.
Proceeds to make inquiries “Is it a boy – tell me what does he do?”
C demurely looks down and knots the fringe of her dupatta and whispers “No, no ...Nothing like that” and proceeds look as bashful as is possible.
Mrs. B pounces on that “Of course it is – Look LOOK you are blushing”
And then magnanimously proceeds to allow her the day off and hounds C on Monday for details (non-existent of course)

Illustrative example #3:
Take any young worker – let’s call him D. D calls up and informs the boss B that he has an accident on his bike ( on the way to work – such a conscientious worker he is) and will therefore be unable to make the regular appearance at the workplace. B, who happens to have a conscience rushes off to visit D and see if there is any major damage. D hearing of this impending visit – decides to put a splint in his arm and proceeds to tie it up – and thus gets out of working for not one or two days – but many, many days.

Illustrative example # 4:
Let’s take the example of worker E. Worker E decides that he wants to get multiple days off but at intermittent intervals . Thinks deep and hard about what can possibly require urgent attention and presence every few weeks?
First occurrence “Have to go to bahargaon for property matters” ( Parul, bahargaon works with people like us too!)
Second occurrence “Complications happened in property – have to meet lawyer – only available date"
Third occurrence “Need to go to court”
Fourth occurrence “Affidavit”
And depending on how good you are, you can use this excuse for a guaranteed seven to eight times on an average.

To be continued: How the work-shirking cynic gets paid back in the same coin by the maid mafia.