Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Cynic’s Tools for the corporate trade.

(Continued from here)

Presenting the Cynic‘s Essential Tool Kit for the Corporate Trade.

#1: La Cushion De CYA

Is your derriere your Achilles heel? Do you always have to bend like a contortionist to protect the vulnerable areas from attacks from unexpected quarters?

Introducing the extra strength, super endurance La Cushion de CYA. La Cushions de CYA comes enmeshed with a fine mesh of super grade steel (also used to make rockets), for the ultimate protection against any dorsal attacks. They are ergonomically designed to take your individual shape for maximum comfort. And what more, they are padded with super fine, ultra soft cotton to suit even the most sensitive posteriors.

Durable defence for your derriere

Comes in a range of bright colors to match every outfit.

# 2: Crocodile Dew Glycerine

Have you ever written/had the pressing urge to write melodramatic and highly emotionally charged (and grammatically haywire) mails like this (marked to the world) for every trivial issue?

“I think he can't be a fit person handling abc It is matter of pure common sense I am frustrated and upset - am not in a position to write further. I am not blaming any one personally, but now it is a high time to give it a serious thought”

Then Crocodile dew glycerin is JUST the nifty accessory for you.

Crocodile Dew is made from the extract of the finest glycerides, for that absolutely translucence and odour free consistency. It goes through a five stage process to ensure the most distilled and refined pure glycerine with 80% hygroscopic properties – thus ensuring that that it looks and feels even more real than actual tears can ever hope to. This is why it’s been the preferred brand of all our cine – stars down the ages, right from Meena Kumari to Alok Nath.

Tears on tap – anytime, anywhere!

Special limited offer: Crocodile Tissue pack free on the purchase of two packs of Crocodile Dew Glycerine

# 3: Bombast’s Hot-Air Recharge Station

Does your battery get down sprouting all that hot air in meetings? Do you feel utterly deflated after conferences? Has some sharp wit of colleague punctured your blustering tirade? Worry not, presenting the Bombast’s Hot-Air Recharge Station

Bombast’s Hot Air Recharge Station, is your portable solution for all your hot air needs. All you need to do is plug it into your nearest socket, and imbibe the warm, flavoured (mint, orange, strawberry or mixed fruit) helium air inside for fifteen minutes and you are ready to roar again! It has an inbuilt temperature control system, which allows you to set thermal level depending upon your individual needs!

Now float in to every meeting, confidently charged, full with effervescent energy!

# 4: Twisterin’ Tongue

Have you ever been hampered by the inadequate absorbency of your tongue? Has it limited your ability to lick *** effectively? Have you ever thought to yourself “oh how I wish I could lick some more, I could kiss some more?”

Look no further!

Introducing the Twisterin’ Tongue – the ultimate tongue enhancer in the world today.
Twisterin tongue has an elasticized, rubberized casing (super flexible for extra reach even difficult places) and absorbent gel within this casing which allows you to absorb upto seven times its weight, without getting saturated.

Twisterin’ Tongue is the present across all corners of the world – In Hollywood; it is the preferred brand of Yes-Men, Publicists and wannabe starlets alike. In India, it is the official and exclusive distributor for all civil and administrative and Government services personnel.

Don’t wait; lick your way up to the top today!

# 5: Original Rhino-Hide Body Suit

The work place can be tough sometimes – colleagues, clients, suppliers, superiors are often known to pass quite cutting comments.

As the name suggests, the Body-Suit is made from Original Rhino Hide, legendary for its thickness and absolute resilience to the external environmental conditions. This body suit has been further enhanced with Boomerang Receptors that amplify and reflect back any critiques which might be directed at the sender thus keeping you absolutely safe and absolutely impervious to any kind of suggestions – constructive or otherwise.

Be safe, be strong, be a Rhino!

# 6: Chaume, by Devdas

And if you thought the stubbly look was only useful in attracting pretty young things, think again! ‘Chaume’ the ultimate male accessory, can be one of the most effective work repellents known to corporate-kind.

The application of Chaume allows one to portray and abject state of stress and overwork which leaves no time for everyday chores like shaving. It is made with that special stick-and-pat formula TM, (built in association with the 3M team that developed post-it notes) which can be reused for 187 days. What more, it is enhanced with the essence of aloe vera gel for that non scratchy, non itchy experience.

Work shirking has never been so easy!

Available in a range of styles and sizes to suit each and every face type and size – French, Luxuriant, Stubbly, Middle-eastern, Plectrum-Style

# 7: Spinner’s Turn Coat

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

Isn’t that JUST what one feels in the corporate world? A season to say yes, and to change it to no. That is the genesis and the philosophy behind Spinners Turn Coat.

The turn coat effortlessly and guiltlessly helps you morph your views, opinions and stands to suit the environment at hand. It is woven from the softest chameleon silk, which is cool and airy and safeguards you from so much as breaking into a sweat.

Spin away to good fortune!

Available in XS, S, M, L, XL, XXL

For sales and distribution inquiries contact: cynicinwonderland@gmail.com
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Nandini Vishwanath said...

LOL, ROTFL!! You have an amazing imagination and write really well. There, I've said it again!

Lekhni said...

Good list! Hope you also offer a device that automatically generates BS laced with appropriate jargon ;)

Nowhere Man said...

First time here. Amazing write up! Is it just me or did anyone else think it was a tad bit cynical...

Yours truly,
Captain Obvious

galadriel said...

Absolutely brilliant, Avalonia! Simple messages, gut-punch accurate!

I adore thee, woman.

Arvind Iyer said...

great. i really enjoyed that!

silverine said...

LOL!!! Good one!! The Original Rhino-Hide Body Suit can be replaced by Indian Politicians -Hide Body Suit as Rhinos will be hard to come by :p

Came here via Desipundit!

Epiphany said...

LOL! Jai ho cynic mata ki...Jai ho...are you looking for shishyas?

btw u need to open a M.B.A college and teach this stuff there!

IdeaSmith said...

Bulk order diya to discount milega kya?

Siri said...

Here for the first time and loved your blog!
Hope you think of a mask which can mask all emotions when talking to the boss. Oh Wait! I guess I can just use the Joker mask from the roadside stall for that :)

AmitL said...

Hi,Cyn..ROFL at part 2, especially at the 'Hot Air recharge station'...personally, I prefer to remain the observer at such meetings, let people make spectacles of themselves,and, then, throw an intelligent two bits in, when they least expect it!!(Now, I just revealed a trade secret of mine.LOL)

narendra shenoy said...

Biting! Enjoyed, maam!

Kraz Arkin said...

Hygroscopic!! Tell me you looked up Wikipedia for that :)

Also - the hot air recharge station pic - has a very floyd look to it - where from?

And I really need to know what plectrum style is.

Oh and also - a.

Kraz Arkin said...

@ lekhni - here you go - http://emptybottle.org/bullshit/

Cynic in Wonderland said...

nandini - you can say it every time you come here, i dont mind:D. What i actually have is a heck of a lot of pent in frustration!

Lekhini - hmmmm. That is the mint flavored hot air recharge station speciality!!!

captain obvious- cynical? noooo! :O. Whatever gave you that impression?

anu - heheh effect of a lousy workplace.

arvind - thank you

silverline - but would you be able to peel the skin off the politicians is the question. Indian politicians are not known to part with any of their property very easily no?

K.C. said...

My first time here. So funny. Where is your imagination coming from. Love it and I needed a laugh. Great! KC

Cynic in Wonderland said...

Epiphany – Sukhi raho balak. do you know any mba colleges which will hire me? All this knowledge I have picked up. Such a waste if I don’t use it constructively na?

Ideasmithy – aapke liye to CHAR tissues free!

Siri – allo allo. Thank you very much. Why do you want to mask emotions from the boss though? I cant say stuff verbally so I use my face instead hehe.

Amit. I am thinking of writing a book now. Damn. I need a new job

Naren – thankee. Where have u disappeared to?

Kraz- useless disappearing feller. Of course I looked it up. Do you think they have managed to jargonify me? Bah. Pictures are cute no. No one commented on any of them sigh. Plectrum ishtyle is those tiny upside down triangular thingies which some hip blokes don. Where you look at the face and think is that a inkspot I see there? Is it a shadow? Oh no, it’s a beard!

A to you too.

KC - too much annoyance at work results in this!

Artful Badger said...

quite amusing :)

Siri said...

Well for one, I dont want to get chucked out until I have another one in hand. Being a boss sensitizes one to facial contortions :).