Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Swan song

I had a strange whimsical fancy the yesterday as I hovered in the indeterminate trance state between sleep and wakefulness.

I felt like I was walking through a beach, going towards, unsure and hesitant about my destination and as I progressed, my steps faltered, my heart felt leaden and it became more difficult to stay focused and keep going on.

And then I paused as something cut my foot, struggling like a swimmer battling the current, against some unseen force inexorably thrusting me forward, and I turned to look back and I saw the beach littered with the debris of broken hopes, of unfulfilled dreams and of sharp-edged slivers of a thousand disappointments.

And I asked myself, at this stage in life, nearing the end of my youth, within knocking distance of middle age that if I was to live my life again, would I do so differently? Would I have made other choices? Would I do it again in another way?

And I look back at the crossroads I have traversed, and I know, if I had to decide once more, given the same set of circumstances, I would have chosen the exact same road, I opted for so long ago.

Then why does my soul feel haunted with this constant sense of wistfulness? Of being cheated of something so fleeting and magical, that can never be recalled again?

I wish I had been freer, I wish my hopes had stayed younger, and yes, I wish I had had more whole-hearted, carefree happiness. But how could I have had it? How would I have done it? Life thrust the mantle of adulthood on me, and the choice was to either don it or disintegrate under its weight? And where and how would I get happiness on call? After all, it isn’t a ready-to-consume two minute packet which one can pick up from the supermarket.

Why do I feel like I am desperately clawing and grasping and reaching for something which is always tantalizingly elusive, just out of my reach?

Why am I weighed down by a sense of apprehension, not anticipation? Of helplessness, not hope? Of being rudderless and being swept along. A mute witness as life passes me by.

12 comments:

nowhere man said...

The only pre requisite to experience the existential angst is mmm..to exist. ( Say hello to Einstein! ) . So your past,future and why even present circumstances doesnt matter when you begin to question the whole idea of existence ala Roquentin in Nausea.

And oh welcome to my world.

Epiphany said...

Welcome to the rat race...BTW if you HAD been whatever you want today, there still would have been stuff you missed..so tension nai lene ka...party karo! ;)

narendra shenoy said...

You need a brandy and soda, girl!

Rada said...

Hey, what is this?

Cynic is doing an Ideasmith? :-)

Snap out of it lady! :-)

Pinku said...

Hey Cynic,

welcome to the thirties sweety...dont worry you arent the only one with such thoughts coursing through...all of us have them at some time or other.

As for those choices its always tempting to know what lay beyond the turn we ignored.

Just be happy you are who you are and can be justly proud of it. How many can do that?

as for dreams, here is something on the same i wrote long back while going through very rough times.

http://pinku-enchantedlife.blogspot.com/2007/08/dreams.html
cheers!!!

Pinku said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
manuscrypts said...

broken hopes..rudderless future... aur beach main main !!! snap out of it woman!!
there are always crossroads, and parallel universes. be happy that you still consider your decisions right.. some don't have that satisfaction.
all of us get into this introspection mode now and then.. hell, i realised that one of the biggest tags in my blog is 'Choices'!!
so go to an actual beach, chill out and then write a happy post :)

a million different people said...

Gawd, yes, snap out of it. Stop asking yourself such questions. Stop letting Abstract creep into your life. :)

I really don't understand how people could go back and live their past all over again.

Saltwater Blues said...

Cynic need a rum n coke! And a *tight hug*!

shub said...

hugs :)

Prashant Sree said...

Hi Cynic,

That was a good introspection on your part. Liked these lines:

"I wish I had been freer, I wish my hopes had stayed younger, and yes, I wish I had had more whole-hearted, carefree happiness."

"Why do I feel like I am desperately clawing and grasping and reaching for something which is always tantalizingly elusive, just out of my reach?"

Well to say, once you have wished that you wanna be more whole hearted, carefree happy, your wish will be fulfilled. Its all about realizing oneself and acting accordingly. And yes, this one holds true.

"Your wish is my command",
so says the Universe. :)

Would love to hear your views about my blog.

Cheers.

ank said...

In terms of a software, these are the environmental variables that keep on accumulating different values from the various applications (life situations) that run in our Operating system (life). It is really difficult to reset those environment variables for the current boot up (life). The easiest way is to run a virtual machine (dream) where those environmental variables are different.

Somehow ignorance is bliss does not seem to work anymore!!

In one of jagjit singh ghazals

Bacchon ke chhote haathon ko chaand sitaare chhoo lene do..
chaar kitaaben padh ke ye bhi hum jaise ho jaayenge..