Thursday, August 7, 2008

The dark side

I have been reading Guy De Maupassant's "The dark side" these days. As idle minds are wont to do, I started musing on what would be the supernatural forces that could affect our lives - the contemporary chill-inducers as it were, and from there it was but a short step to wondering what would be the scary, terribly scary, spectres that haunt a blogger's life.

One of the most terrifying beasts in blogdom is the Comment Box Hijacker. The otherwise innocuous looking chap who ambushes your post and seduces your reader with the sharp scalpel of his wit and insight. He leaves comments which are as long as your post and much better written.The appearance of one such, is enough to cause a heightened heartbeat and palpitations.

The Raving Raconteur also has a predilection for long comments but typically, unlike the Comment Box Hijacker, writes about things which are completely irrelevant to the post at hand. Also found often in real life, ( the person who will suddenly say "When I was in the army we used to blah blah blah" when the conversation is actually about a shoe sale).

The Phantom Readers: As is the case with their more metaphysical counterparts - there is no way of establishing their presence or whether they are just figments of an overactive imagination. Even if one assumes they exist, one is never quite sure how many actually lurk in one's vicinity. Is it just a handful? Or is entire armies that are roving through the unknown mists of cyberspace? And there is always the nagging question in one's mind about their intent - are they like the friendly neighbourhood Casper or are they much more malignant? Occasionally one catches fleeting glimpse out of the corner of the eye - a comment lost amongst a host of others, then one wonders - were they there? or were they not?

The Stalking Exes: Typically these could be one's ex's significant half or the significant half's exes. They stalk from a sense of voyeuristic curiosity to investigate and dissect the blog. They come, they see, they occasionally chortle and say "My GOD, what was he/she thinking to go out ( or as the case maybe, get married) to THIS?" Their presence, like the sword of Damocles is a unseen but weighty burden on the poor blogger's head.

The Humour Slayers: Just when one is feeling quietly pleased at a post with a particularly witty turn of phrase, they will come and write comments like "Quite an amusing attempt actually" or "Heh. Passably funny". Suddenly the writer will be drenched in cold clammy perspiration. There will be icy chills running up and down the spine. Should one edit the post? What did that person mean? What wasn't funny? Was that contrived? Ohmygod,ohmygod! Should one delete the post?

The Typo Nazi - a mutant variant of the Humour slayer. Blog hops for the sole purpose of detecting grammatical errors. Will send long mails detailing out why the use of an apostrophe is wrong in a particular post. Is obsessed with commas and typographical errors. Rumoured to have been taken over by the ghost of English school teachers.

To be continued...

Note to dear readers. This post is got nothing to do with you at all. This is for other bloggers. I love you all very much. Please dont stop reading this?

28 comments:

Epiphany said...

Till I read the "note" I wasn't thinking about which ones apply to me but now..ah crap!

??! said...

Comment Box Hijacker = Falstaff
The Typo Nazi = Me.

Also, Hijackers and Ravers aren't really supernatural are they?

Which means you also forgot The Aggressive Pedant, and The Obvious Commentfiller.

IdeaSmith said...

"Nice post".

Heh.

BlueMist said...

*** Thoguht Provoking Post **

what about those lurkers ? :-)

Pinku said...

hi!

saw u on phatichar's blog and came sniffing since he wrote u write well and I have faith in his judgement.

You write awesome well is what i gather.

this post was real cool and I am hoping that you will continue with the rest soon.
am blogrolling hope thats ok.

a million different people said...

Who am I who am I?

(It's difficult for me to judge me. I'll accept the brick.)

manuscrypts said...

nice disclaimer :p

Nandini Vishwanath said...

I wonder how you come up with such 'amusing' thoughts.

Lekhni said...

Uh oh :( I am a Comment Box Hijacker AND a Typo Nazi :(

Does it help that I love it when people hijack my comments section? And that I am obsessive about my own typos?

No? Oh well :(

sra said...

Hey, Comment Box Hijackers make for nice conversation, usually!

And I've always wondered what possesses Typo Nazis to take themselves so seriously - I've seen them, but only on a couple of blogs.

Cynic in Wonderland said...

epiphany - no,no not the regular readers. they rock!

??!! (uhm to be continued yus?) yus i dont like typos too much either. Only, I wish i had an editor. Get so carried away writing sometimes than i am sure i will be typo-ing by the dozens. sigh.

ideasmithy- hmpf.

bluemist - yus where are those lurkers. i was hoping this would smoke them out. but no go. maybe they dont exist?

pinku - thank you very much. please come more often. And blogrolling is good. especially if you are a publisher? no? never mind.

Cynic in Wonderland said...

million different people - like i said, doesnt apply too my readers.they are perfect. (remember, i even wrote an thank you blog for all of you?)

manu - survival instinct kicked in!

nandini hmm is that a good amusing or a scary one now?

lekhini - heck, i envy comment hijackers. i wish i was one. but i cant seem to write coherent comments . too many random thoughts jostling around.

sra - i had got an anon mail from someone in GREAT detail on a typo i made. By the end of it i felt ready to shrivel up and die.

Rada said...

Very nice attempt at humour!

Oops!

(I can see you loading your shotgun now! :-) )

Australopithecus said...

"passably funny"

ooh ooh which am i? which am i? tell tell!!!

Cynic in Wonderland said...

rada - bah. it was meant to be serious.


austro. you are hmmm. ok you need a special category

Cynic in Wonderland said...

Okay, a question to ALL folks here.

You are all very talented bloggers in your own right. How is it that no one has reacted as a blogger ( which is what i thought would happen when i posted this?

Sud said...

I had no clue you were actually putting us in neat little categories like this

Trinaa said...

i get only the phantom readers....i 'think(?)' ppl read my blog but i cant really be sure judging by the no. of comments ;)


brilliant post again... :))

chandni said...

passibly funny

;)

I love u too! not going to stop reading...Its quite the comprehensive, this list!

narendra shenoy said...

I confess. I confess. I am a comment box hijacker. "Give me a million dollars in used-oncers or I'll fill your comment box with ..er... comments" is my ominous message. Also pointless raconteur. I am greatly addicted to pointless anecdotes, a fact that people in my family are painfully aware of.

Arunima said...

Guy De Maupassant died of Syphilis. Now, which category do I belong to? :-)

Nice post as usual!

Corinne Rodrigues said...

Hi - loved this one. You're free to categorize me, while I blogroll you :)
C

Akshaya Kamalnath said...

Just brilliant...I'm so scared to say anything more and get classified as one of the above mentioned...lol

Anyway, 1st time I stopped by your blog and was mighty impressed. May the beasts in blogdom never affect you. :)

kaunquest said...

lol! great titles.. watch out for the Typo Nazi cult! :) You would be their enemy number one now.

phatichar said...

Hehehe..nice. Of course, won't stop readin' ya..

Take care!

Cynic in Wonderland said...

sud - like i said collective experiences this is. i dont for instance have any ex stalkers. i suspect i dont even have any phantom readers.

trina - phantom readers is a bit of wishful thinking for me..et tu?

chandni - ok good. im scared to post now and get silence and nothing much else

Cynic in Wonderland said...

naren - teach me how to be one no. i want to be comment box hijacker too.

arunima - yus i know . he was quite the bohemian. he also died insane so some of the stuff is written when he was in the borderline state of sanity.

thank you corrine. and hope to see you here more often.

akshaya - if u read my posts you are automatically exempt from being any of the above. now isnt that really shameless propagandeering (?)

kaunquest. im already their public enemy number 1.

phatichar - thank you verr muchly

shub said...

tee hee :D (walks off having slotted Cynic into one of those categories. Or three. You'll never know ;) )