Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The goose and the gander

Let me illustrate by an example. Say a goose and a gander, try on a pair of jeans that don’t fit. This is sequence of events thereafter.

Goose
1. Starts minor hyperventilation
2. Tries to squeeze into jeans by contorting the body into weird shapes and not breathing
3. Examines the jeans to see if they have mysteriously shrunk and heaves a sigh of relief thinking they have indeed shrunk.
4. Tries on another pair of jeans just to prove the hypothesis
5. Finds out that the other jeans are no more accommodating than the first pair (pun unintended)
6. Minor hyperventilation progresses into medium sized hyperventilation
7. Goes through a mental checklist of what has been eaten in the previous two hours, wonders about water retention, salt intake, pms and other cheerful things
8. Tentatively (after wearing the lightest possible clothes in the wardrobe) climbs onto a weighing machine
9. Does an acrobatic back-flip in horror
10.Medium hyperventilation progresses to major hyperventilation
11.Calls best friends (2nos) and tearfully asks whether “Have I been looking fat these days?”
12.Hangs up after not believing them and sits in a corner brooding for the half hour
13.Goes through a check list of all meals and lack of exercise in the last three weeks
14.Curses Diwali, festivals and everything fattening
15.Kicks the offending jeans a couple of times
16.Make plans for drastic starvation and salad diet w/o sugar, oil, salt or anything edible in it
17.Curses genes
18. Make plans for rigorous exercise schedule
19. Make an excel sheet for diet and exercise tracking
20. Wallows in self pity

Gander
1. Waves the offending jeans at whoever is present and blandly and unconcernedly says “I need to get rid of all these jeans that don’t fit, they are cluttering up my cupboard”

29 comments:

sunshin3girl said...

two thumbs up!

a traveller... said...

Hehe... brilliant! :D

adwords said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Taurus Girl said...

Really nicely written... :)

In love with my life said...

I like gander..i am following that policy these days.

You should too..stress free:-))

Mumbai Diva said...

sigh! i am so the goose.

Lazy Pineapple said...

hehehe Cynic...you have put across word by word what happens to me, in the form of goose :)

Mo said...

You mean woman, you.
I am going back on my diet.

Argentyne said...

Spot on :| It makes me feel terrible though!

Cynic in Wonderland said...

sunshin, traveler, taurus girl - thankee muchly.

stray gray - that is the ideal state to be in. much like the ideal weight. muchly difficult to actually achieve no?

diva, pineapple - shall we start a geese club?

mo - you sesky figgered one, you. And diet it seems. bah.

argentyne. sigh. story of femmes lives no?

Soulmate said...

Very sheepishly, I shall also agree that I am a goose as well, though I dont do all of the points listed. But that does not takes me away from being one..

buddy said...

only 2 best friends are called?

gauri said...

I think I'm a closet-goose. (Pun intended.) I pretend to be the gander and toss the old jeans. Only, I toss it neatly in a secret spot in the closet, hoping to come back to it some day. *sigh*

Nice one, cyn!

g

Lekhni said...

To the goose, I'll add "Vows to buy only stretch jeans from here on."

Like Gauri, I'm a secret saver of under-sized jeans too :)

Sanand said...

LOL!

Nu said...

Wonderful post...you have listed everything that a girl goes through...hehehe...so funny yet so true... almost all girls are like the goose here !!

Liked your blog CIW :)

Epiphany said...

If you hadn't mentioned pms I wud have taken the goose to be a guy! :P

narendra shenoy said...

Gahahaha! I made the missus read this one! We have a slightly different situation. She asks me if the jeans are looking tight. If I say no, I am a cloth-head who couldn't see the Niagara Falls from the Maid o the mist. And if I agree that they are tight, we burst into a panic attack, as so scientifically described by you. Sooper post!

The Weekend Blogger said...

Dear Cynic,

The secret lies in having jeans in various shades and sizes in your wardrobe....randomly pick-up one and try it on...if it fits easily, just feel happy (dont look at the size!)

Yours Faithfully,

TWB

AmitL said...

ROFL-the gander's the smart one,Cyn..:)But,do what I do at such times-try on that track suit pant...it's stretchable,etc etc..so,you get the feeling that sab kuch theek hai!!And,then begin the reduction plan!!:)Good luck.(BTW,I was walking 5 kms min a day in Baroda, and, being here in Dxb for 2 weeks,people're saying I've lost wt...:))

Anonymous said...

Happy Bidday!!! Hope you have a rockin' good time woman.

Paro

Meira said...

Be the Goose, buy more jeans. And some new footwear to perk self up.

popsie said...

LOL! Well said. :-)

Trauma Queen said...

hahaha

well don't u know - with ganders it is 'one size fits all' - hehehe

i don't throw away jeans when they stop fitting - but I quite hate the acrobatics (as well as the tummy cramps). I suppose after a stage it is easier to stick to skirts and cargo pants. or worse - salwars (ugh)

In other news, I decided to switch loyalties to WordPress. Do update your blogroll link (assuming of course, I was already there) to this URL:

http://totaltrauma.wordpress.com/

See you there!

Priyanka said...

Lol! Me, gander - for sure. Except most of the bf calls are usually breezy ones - followed by a couple of days of crazy meal-before-and-meal-after weighings ;)
I have a special dressing-stool-esque pullout that is my personal black hole - old jeans, stoles somehow find space in here!

Anonymous said...
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Thanatos said...

Me? I buy jeans 2 sizes extra so that I don't even experience the gander moment.

Dreamer said...

Ha ha! So true :) Reminds me of that Kellogs ad where the bloke boasts of how his wife squeezed into a tight dress after subsisting on Kellogs for two weeks, and all I am thinking is "his wife is worried about a few inches and the hubby wears this horror of a shirt?"

Animesh Kulkarni said...

diplomatically & nicely put.