Monday, March 30, 2009

10 lessons I have learned...

So I have no cook these days. I politely told the female who used to come and cook (and I use the term euphemistically) that we could dispense with her kind offices. I have a fundamental reluctance to PAY people to be rude (and not work) to me. Heck, Ma is rude to me for free.

So anyways, this has resulted me in spending more quality time with the kitchen and also, given me the opportunity to learn some pearls of culinary wisdom, that I am convinced should be shared with the world.

10 Lessons I have learned ...By Cynic-in-Domesticland

1. I have learned ...that one cannot butcher capsicum and jaunt away without facing the consequences. The decapitated Vegetable avenges itself by setting the weapons (in this case, the hands) ablaze. Maybe that’s the reason why their underworld name is Green Peppers

2. I have learned ...that creativity (an excellent thing) but should be only used in moderation when it comes to rotis. So while yes, it is vastly entertaining to make interestingly shaped rotis, but the resultant outcome leaves something to be desired. Superman in other words, doesn’t like to puff ( Goofy is good though, for some reason, Goofy puffs up like a helium balloon)

3. I have learned ...that one can change the appearance of a leftover daal by adding red chilli powder to it the next day – the colour is different, the taste is different – QED the daal is DIFFERENT until proven otherwise.

4. I have learned ...that waiting for rotis to puff is as addictive and exhilarating as gambling Will it puff? Won’t it puff? Will it...its round...Maybe it will...but the tava is not hot enough...maybe it won’t ...what do you think? Will it? Wont it? ...Will it...YEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!

5. I have learned... that the chaps at the local Dosa joint who nonchalantly wipe the searing tawa with a cloth wipe deserve bravery awards. Seriously.

6. I have learned... even if you take the exact same variables, and the exact same process, and the exact same proportions, the resultant output can vary. My scientific curiosity has been aroused by this phenomena and I am currently in the process of working out a theorem which evaluates the effect of extrinsic factors (like heat, humidity and the MIL) in the dish.

7. I have learned ...that unflavoured gelatine is just that. And no amount of juice, or custard powder or milk or anything can transform it into anything but unflavoured jelly.

8. I have learned ...that it takes but ONE extra whistle to transform a rock solid yam into sticky, unmanageable gloop.

9. I have learned...that brown rice is # burnt rice

10. I have learned...that naming is the mother of inventions. If it doesn’t taste like it’s supposed to, call it something else viz. “This is not Palak Paneer – this is “Cottage cheese and spinach with a dash of sautéed onions garnished with sun dried tomatoes" ( anything in India IS sun – dried no?)


maidinmalaysia said...

all the way into Rofling!!!

Epiphany said...

:D ... so the better..sorry the other half is having fun at lunch and dinner too?

Meena said...

You know, you are quite good at this! Maybe you could find yourself writing a cookbook in the near future....!

Iya said...

now get a cook..quick!!!

Parul said...

I politely told the female who used to come and cook (and I use the term euphemistically) - which term? 'Female'?

Oh....cooooook. Now I get it.

manuscrypts said...

is everyone okay?
and meanwhile, one can't but wonder if the cook's departure has anything to do with a certain "Mata Hari types (also known as Chammak Challo)" classification done earlier somewhere near here :p

The Weekend Blogger said...

I clutch to my copy of the "beginners" cookbook and measure each ingredient down to the last for me like chemistry till things burn or burst !

Suspended Animation said...

I also learned a few lessons the 'hard' way..

I learned that the cooker won't tell you that you forgot to add water to the rice.. and you can sweetly wait for the whistle till you see smoke..

I also learnt that spending on a restaurant is better than spending on burnt fingers..

narendra shenoy said...

Hilarious! You excel yourself! I never knew cooking could be so lethal. Special chuckle for the naming thing. "Char Grilled" sounds so much classier than "burnt".

"We're having Char-grilled milk with our chai"

litterateuse said...

LOL! Amen to #10 - been my tactic for years now!

So you are enjoying this, yass? Or you might as well pay for rudeness and blog about it? :-|


Nandini Vishwanath said...

Ditto Manuscrypts :D

And I hear you on the rotis, Cyn. I'm right there with you.

??! said...

re: point 9, the bawas will come hit you for that. Their dhansak rice is sacred.

In love with my life said...

I am so framing this....for my kitchen wall. Await the book with the same title

Totally with you on "naming is the mother of inventions".

Cynic in Wonderland said...

Maid in malaysia :)

epiphany - as long as i make chicken once in a while he is ok

meena, yus i am planning to do that. my other books are not happening. so cook book seems er..more likely.

iya - how rude!

parul - never met a woman so capable of burning everything. i thought i was good at that. she beat me hollow.

manu - no no. if it was a mata hari i would keep her. provide paisa vasool entertainment no?

weekend blogger. yus yus i am having fun. only i never find the measurements. so i improvise. apparently thats not good in cooking.

suspended animation. hmmm. ah that rice sans water gig i did long time ago. and i saved the cooker before it exploded thank heavens. did yours live to tell the tale?

awingandaprayer said...

Fun-neee,CiW!! Loved this post!

Long-time lurker. First-time commenter. Came over from Rada's blog.

Cynic in Wonderland said...

naren - have u ever had chargrilled water? hehe. or say barbequed as well

g - enjoying it might be pushing it. some people are born cooks, some achieve cookness and some have cookness thrust upon them. definitely the last set. thats me

nandini - does your superman fly?

??! - but i LIKE dhansak no.

in love with my life - thats the strategy of all great chefs you think?

crumpledpapers said...

hahaha... i couldn't stop laughing through it! you're funny! ROFL @ "brown rice is # burnt rice"

Silvara said...

Hahahahah....oh this brought back memories (actually quite recent ones as well lol)

Funny funny stuff.

Am addicted to watching my roti's 'phool' lol. And have finally mastered the trick to getting them that way after many many attempts and burnt ones going to the dog later :D

Cynic in Wonderland said...

awingandaprayer yayyy i have seen you around too and am so happy you delurked!

silvara - that phooloing is good fun no.i peer at it from all angles, chant mantras and all that ( mind you i think my mother in law thinks i need therapy).

crumpledpapers hehe thanks!

sra said...

No 6 - happens to me all the time. Never tastes the same. No 8, happens with most veggies you can pressure cook, not just yam. And No 10, LOL! Can't say much about the rotis because I can't/don't knead.

Australopithecus said...

hahaha! funny.but so true
esply no 6

Nisha said...

wow...reading a funny post from someone after a long time. n i like this look...its pretty!

P said...

hi hi..soon you can write a unique cookbook and people will think cooking is actually fun after reading your book and get inspired. I myself am very inspired by the superman and goofy rotis :D

roop said...

i laughed holding on to my tomach. esp at number 10!!!!! lol

Cynic in Wonderland said...

sra how come you dont make rotis? rice eaters?

hehe austro

thank you nisha

rimzie - i am a sporadically brilliant cook.